Rhinebeck Blogger Bingo is on again this year, and we jumped at the chance to be headquarters again. So follow the link on over to Stitchy's place to get the 4-1-1 on signing up. I already asked if I could be center square like Paul Lynde.
The Outlaws
So a month after David e-mailed his mother and sister to inform them of our wedding plans, and two months after he informed his father, his parents finally got around to sending him individual letters in response. Along with a Bible tract, of course. You can imagine the content.
His mother's letter resorted to the old, discredited Freudian argument and blamed it on his father not being around enough (I told David he should write her and point out that she left out the domineering mother part). Then a lot of the same old bigoted and intentionally inaccurate "research" put out by Paul Cameron and his ilk. Or as she put it, "several in the scientific community," which I think means 3 or 4 whack jobs.
His father's letter proclaimed himself and David's mother as "God's representatives" to David, cited a few Bible verses, and then the tired "you can choose to change" argument. He finished it off with two questions - "Are you happy?" and "Do you want to change?" I think the answers are not what he's hoping to hear.
I know that in their minds they're doing the right and loving thing, but it's just so profoundly dysfunctional (David's sister's response last week was in a similar vein - "The kids are great. You're going to Hell. Love you."). It pisses me off, too, because they've been rehashing the same old crap for the last 16 years and just refuse to see that it's hurtful and accomplishes nothing.
The other issue is that I know that the main reason they're being as difficult as they are right now is that I'm an unavoidable part of the picture. As long as David wasn't cohabiting or in a serious relationship, it was easy for them to walk around with blinders on and pretend not to know anything. My presence spoils that for them, so they see me, naturally, as a threat. Which, of course, means that I can't engage them like I'm itching to do, since it would only justify their view of me as the meddling outsider.
At least I know where we won't be for the holidays this year.
23 comments:
I've been trying to write this comment for about ten minutes. Bugger. I don't really know what else I can say. Bugger.
I am so excited about Blogger Bingo again this year - yay!
David's family sounds like a mess. I'm sorry.
It is lucky for David that he has you to love him unconditionally!
Hang in there.
You picked the perfect clip of Paul Lynde :-)
As for David's family; sometimes you just have to cut yourself off from some of your family or continually be hurt. Chris and I have had to make that decision about his mother; it's not easy, but necessary.
I can't imagine how difficult that must be for both of you.
Being out in my family wasn't always easy, but it was never that hard. The most harsh words we ever heard were from Thaddeus' father and step-mother. The father said he was glad we were together, but the stepmother wasn't exactly pleased. The stepmother said she was pleased for us, but the father wasn't overjoyed by it.
I wasn't sure if they both just didn't talk about it, or if one was lying. My bet was that the stepmother was lying.
You are right in that it wouldn't help to engage them. The other thing that probably frustrates them is that David has you to support and love him just when they thought they had all of that leverage to themselves and they probably thought that they would eventually "win". I am glad that you have each other ... love is a rare thing and a treasure however and whenever it occurs. Good luck.
It is unfortunate that they would rather lose a son than change their views. And you're interpretation of their use of the "scientific opinion" is absolutely spot on. This must be incredibly difficult for David and for you. I hope you can work through it in a way that enables you to maintain a strong relationship.
it's a shame things have to be this way for both of you.
not only are david's relatives dismissing him as unworthy, but you also as his chosen spouse.
and all you two are trying to do is share a happy occasion with family and friends - pity.
david's family will regret their decision years from now. unfortunately, the damage has already been done.
may the both of you live long and happy lives together minus the meddling, holier-than-thou out-laws.
That just bites.
On the other hand, no jello salad to pretend you're thrilled to see on your plate.
Courage to you both. Also, hugs. :-)
you know - however knife-to-the-core-difficult that stuff is? As you point out, it makes things oh so crystal clear in another way - you KNOW where not to expend your energies. It sucks, but it is, and just move on and put your hopes for positive input into your own family elsewhere - KWIM?? And bottom line?? You're both living a pretty blessed life - you have each other and your lives work really pretty darned well together.
Oh Christ...or rather Jesus Fuckin Christ... I am just so sad that people have such narrow views, especially when someone they supposedly love could open their eyes, expand their view. I heard a brief blip on the news that some visual test determined that 'liberals' are more open minded than 'conservatives', DUH! We need science to tell us this? Our own families can! You guys could come and visit us on xmas...pretty sure we'll be around. DH's family more or less doesn't talk about my BIL, though the siblings express sadness that his partner split. But it's not a 'don't talk it's embarrasing' kind of don't talk, more of just not an issue. Same in my family, but mom is fundamentalist born again type...so she sometimes sends mixed messages. She worries she won't see bro in heaven, not because he's gay, but because he hasn't accepted Christ.... GIVE ME A BREAK!!!
I can only hope that polluted thinking like that of your "beloved" in-laws is a dying breed. I'm sorry for you both, having to deal with it. (I was lucky to be sheltered growing up - I was in high school the first time I met a fundamentalist, and when she told me she believed in the creationist theory, I stared at her, slack-jawed, waiting for her to say, "Just kidding!")
Ah, I didn't realize that David came from a fundamental Christian background. I imagine he and I have a lot in common then! I come from a similar background, and have had to fight the ongoing battle of choosing to live a different sort of lifestyle. The pre-marital cohabiting is a real crowd pleaser, believe me.
At least my family sends me books instead of tracts. I imagine the tracts would be harder to sell on half.com.
Gah. I'm so sorry for the way your in-laws are acting. Hugs. I would be honored if any one of my kids (son or daughter) brought you home and I would be thrilled to have you join our family.
David's family sound like my in-laws.
Enjoy the love you've found together and have a damn fine wedding regardless :)
I will never, ever understand the mindset of David's family. It's just such a strange way to behave on Jesus' behalf. Way to disappoint your diety.
And sweet pea, if you really want to be a center square, you're in! Although I prefer to think of you as Wayland Flowers. :)
I am just so sorry that David's family can't find the joy in his happiness. How hard it must be for them to live a life so overwhelmed by misunderstanding. I'm glad that David has you to keep the balance.
Meanwhile, I say enjoy that center square to the fullest!!! It's the best of the squares, you know...
Um...you could come to my place for the holidays.
Oh man, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that crap. Don't know what else to say but I'm sorry.
Interesting stuff, that organized religion...Most (if not all) preach love and tolerance, but that obviously only applies if you go to the same church/synagogue/mosque, etc.
Your parents did something very right-they raised a wonderful and loving man. They should trust themselves a bit more. Continue to live your life in a love and tolerance...it's what they taught you.
The only holidays I do here in Albany are Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. You and David are welcome.
I'm so sorry that your partner's family is giving you such a hard time! Parents can be really difficult and hurtful sometimes. It's a good thing you both have each other! My warmest wishes to you both for the wedding.
dekurking to offer you support. Don't let the crazymakers steal your joy. There are lots and lots of people who admire and support you and wish you a lifetime of happiness. I'm one of them.
Shaking my head over those sad excuses for parents. I love my kids unconditionally and whether or not I approve of their choice of life partner (I do, but it's irrelevant) it's not my place to make them unhappy about it. Here's wishing you a great wedding and a long happy life together as well, with or without them! (PS, My MIL hated me and made no bones about it.)
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